Whoa! Are you telling me that guys need to be emotionally intelligent? Let’s take a quick look at a few examples of how an emotionally intelligent (and an emotionally not so intelligent) guy shows up in life, and you tell me what appeals to you.
Emotionally Intelligent Guy
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Emotionally Not So Intelligent Guy
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Is fully present when his partner is talking to him. He turns away from the computer and looks at her/him when they speak to him. He pays attention
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Is not present. He keeps typing on the computer and does not make eye contact when his partner is talking to him. He isn't really paying attention.
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Listens without judging his partner. He listens to understand what is being said. He summarizes what he has heard.
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This guy tends to judge his partner, usually unfavorably. He jumps in with an unhelpful judgment or comment before getting the full story.
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He shows empathy (ie. You sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc) and compassion (I am sorry you are having a difficult day.)
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He rarely speaks to his partner with empathy and compassion
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He listens without getting defensive. He can hear feedback, even when it’s not positive, without going on the attack. He can accept responsibility for his actions and words
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He gets defensive when his partner states, or even infers, that he did something wrong. He makes excuses and says that he didn't “intend” to do it. He does not accept responsibility. He needs to look good and be right.
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When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he listens and is present. He asks “Would you like me to just listen, or help you with your problem?”
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When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he jumps immediately into problem solving. He thinks his job is to solve his partner's (and others') problems.
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He stays present for difficult conversations dealing with sex, money, or in-laws.
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He avoids difficult conversations. Sometimes disappearing in his proverbial “cave.”
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He apologizes promptly when he is wrong.
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He rarely apologizes, unless his partner demands that he do so.
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So, which column do you commonly relate to? Which guy has the healthiest and most satisfying relationship with his partner? I used to be the emotionally not so intelligent guy. I didn't even realize that what I was doing was so destructive. Thanks to the work I have done, I now show up differently. You can too.
