How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Guy

Whoa! Are you telling me that guys need to be emotionally intelligent? Let’s take a quick look at a few examples of how an emotionally intelligent (and an emotionally not so intelligent) guy shows up in life, and you tell me what appeals to you.

Emotionally Intelligent Guy	Emotionally Not So Intelligent Guy
Is fully present when his partner is talking to him. He turns away from the computer and looks at her/him when they speak to him. He pays attention	Is not present. He keeps typing on the computer and does not make eye contact when his partner is talking to him. He isn't really paying attention.
Listens without judging his partner. He listens to understand what is being said. He summarizes what he has heard.	This guy tends to judge his partner, usually unfavorably. He jumps in with an unhelpful judgment or comment before getting the full story.
He shows empathy (ie. You sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc) and compassion (I am sorry you are having a difficult day.)	He rarely speaks to his partner with empathy and compassion
He listens without getting defensive. He can hear feedback, even when it’s not positive, without going on the attack. He can accept responsibility for his actions and words	He gets defensive when his partner states, or even infers, that he did something wrong. He makes excuses and says that he didn't “intend” to do it. He does not accept responsibility. He needs to look good and be right.
When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he listens and is present. He asks “Would you like me to just listen, or help you with your problem?”	When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he jumps immediately into problem solving. He thinks his job is to solve his partner's (and others') problems.
He stays present for difficult conversations dealing with sex, money, or in-laws.	He avoids difficult conversations. Sometimes disappearing in his proverbial “cave.”
He apologizes promptly when he is wrong.	He rarely apologizes, unless his partner demands that he do so.

So, which column do you commonly relate to? Which guy has the healthiest and most satisfying relationship with his partner? I used to be the emotionally not so intelligent guy. I didn't even realize that what I was doing was so destructive. Thanks to the work I have done, I now show up differently. You can too.

How to Respond to Feedback

“Guys Showing Up”

Guys: How to respond when your partner shares feedback you don’t like hearing

Most people don’t like hearing feedback that we deem as negative. Men, in particular, not only don’t like hearing negative feedback, but are not skilled in responding to their partners in this situation.

Here is a fairly typical communication between partners.

Your partner gives you unsolicited feedback about something you did, or said, that she didn’t like.

A typical male response is to state that it was not his intention along with getting defensive. He may shift the blame and become resentful while pointing out his partner’s deficiencies. Finally, he may disappear in his cave for a few hours or days.

The result is that the issue never gets discussed or resolved and both parties are upset and resentful. Unhealthy!

So, what is the healthier way for men to deal with feedback they don’t like hearing?

1.    Be grateful that your partner is willing to provide you with feedback; even it is the kind you don’t like to hear.

2.    Don’t get defensive or angry

3.    Make sure you understand the feedback by asking clarifying questions so that she knows exactly what the issue is. Restate what you think the issue is to your partner so they know you understand.

4.    Listen with empathy and compassion.

5.    In most situations, you have a part in the issue. What part of the feedback can you legitimately own? Whatever it is, own up to it! It is the adult thing to do and is very challenging.

6.    Apologize for your part (see above)

7.    Don’t offer solutions!

Stuart

www.StuartKaufman.com

206-725-1584