How to have shorter arguments with your wife

Most arguments between husbands and wives can be avoided. To do this, we need to stop and listen, take responsibility for our words and actions, and avoid getting defensive.

Here is an example of how to get into an argument.

Wife: Honey, I don’t like when you use my car and don’t lock it up.

Husband: What do you mean? I always lock your car after using it.

Wife: That’s not true. Yesterday I found my car unlocked after you used it.

Husband: Are you sure? I am positive I locked it. I always intend to lock it.

Wife: Yes, I am sure. If you want to use my car, I would request you lock it when you are done.

Husband: But I do always lock it. Maybe I shouldn’t use your car, just in case I “forget” to lock it.

Wife: You don’t need to get defensive. Are you willing to lock my car when you use it?

Husband: Not if you expect me to be “perfect.” Is that what you think I need to be? Perfect? Besides when you use my car, you sometimes leave it unlocked, and I don’t bug you about it.

Wife: I am not talking about this anymore since you can’t seem to take responsibility for your actions. Make your own lunch.

 

In this example, the wife is not talking to an emotionally mature husband. Instead she is talking to an emotionally immature adult who is showing up as a teenager by not listening, not taking responsibility, and getting defensive.

 

Now, let’s see what this conversation can look like when the husband shows up as an emotionally mature adult.

 

Wife: Honey, I don’t like when you use my car and don’t lock it up when you are done

Husband: I didn’t realize I may have left your car open. I will be more careful in the future. I am sorry.

Wife: Thanks. Let’s go get a bite to eat.

 

Notice how short conversations are when we take responsibility, and show up as “emotionally intelligent” adults. 

Here are three proven ways to avoid (shorten) arguments with your partner:

 

1. Stop and Listen – this is simple, yet hard to do.
2. Take responsibility – acknowledge what you did, instead of denying it.
3. Don’t get defensive and deflect – when we get defensive, we dig in and stop listening. This happened when the husband asked his wife if she expected him to be perfect. He deflected when he told her that she does the same thing, which is irrelevant. It’s OK not to be perfect.
    

In summary, stop, listen, take responsibility, and let go of needing to be defensive.

Try it out. It really works.

Please, Hide or Collaborate - How do you interact with others?

Are you a “Pleaser?” Pleasers like to please others, at their own expense. They consider themselves unworthy and are fearful that people will not like them. In order to be liked, they please others.


Are you a “Hider?” Hiders have self-doubt and believe others are out to get them, so they hide and are silent. They feel powerless, victimized and resent those who are in the open.


Are you a “Collaborator?” Collaborators interact with others in a positive and constructive way. They are open to ideas of others, even when the ideas are different from their own.

How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent (and valued) Employee

What separates those employees that are the most successful from those that are less successful? One major difference is the ability to effectively communicate and collaborate with others. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the ability to effectively act, communicate, and collaborate based on your emotions and the emotions of others. Most of us are emotionally intelligent in some areas, and less so in others. Here is Part 1 of EQ skills.

More Emotionally Intelligent Employee Behavior	Less Emotionally Intelligent Employee Behavior
Be Present -Is fully present when talking with managers and coworkers talk. -Turns away from the computer and makes eye contact when spoken to. -Pays attention to what is said. Stays focused on the discussion.	-Is not usually present. -Stays on the computer or texting.  -Does not make eye contact when spoken to by coworkers or others. -Doesn’t usually pay close attention. -Gets distracted easily thinking about how to respond, instead of listening.
No Judgment -Listens without judging others. -Listens to understand. -Summarizes what was heard. -Asks follow-up questions for clarity.	-Tends to judge coworkers, usually unfavorably. -Jumps in with unhelpful judgments or comments before getting the full story. -Interrupts others.
Be Empathic and Compassionate -Shows empathy (i.e. you sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, angry). -Shows compassion (Sorry you are having a difficult time with the project).	-Rarely speaks to coworkers with empathy and compassion. -Does not recognize or relate to other’s emotions.
Welcome Constructive Feedback -Listens without getting defensive. -Hears constructive feedback, without going on the attack or getting defensive.  -Accepts responsibility for actions and words. -Welcomes constructive feedback as an opportunity to improve.	-Gets defensive when managers or coworkers state, or even infers, that he did something wrong. -Makes excuses and replies “didn’t intend to do it.” -Does not accept responsibility for actions. Needs to look good and be right.
Support Coworkers -Listens and is present when coworkers share their issues and concerns. -Looks for ways to support and help coworkers.	-When coworkers share their problems and concerns, offers little support or help.

How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Guy

Whoa! Are you telling me that guys need to be emotionally intelligent? Let’s take a quick look at a few examples of how an emotionally intelligent (and an emotionally not so intelligent) guy shows up in life, and you tell me what appeals to you.

Emotionally Intelligent Guy	Emotionally Not So Intelligent Guy
Is fully present when his partner is talking to him. He turns away from the computer and looks at her/him when they speak to him. He pays attention	Is not present. He keeps typing on the computer and does not make eye contact when his partner is talking to him. He isn't really paying attention.
Listens without judging his partner. He listens to understand what is being said. He summarizes what he has heard.	This guy tends to judge his partner, usually unfavorably. He jumps in with an unhelpful judgment or comment before getting the full story.
He shows empathy (ie. You sound frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc) and compassion (I am sorry you are having a difficult day.)	He rarely speaks to his partner with empathy and compassion
He listens without getting defensive. He can hear feedback, even when it’s not positive, without going on the attack. He can accept responsibility for his actions and words	He gets defensive when his partner states, or even infers, that he did something wrong. He makes excuses and says that he didn't “intend” to do it. He does not accept responsibility. He needs to look good and be right.
When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he listens and is present. He asks “Would you like me to just listen, or help you with your problem?”	When his partner shares her problems and concerns, he jumps immediately into problem solving. He thinks his job is to solve his partner's (and others') problems.
He stays present for difficult conversations dealing with sex, money, or in-laws.	He avoids difficult conversations. Sometimes disappearing in his proverbial “cave.”
He apologizes promptly when he is wrong.	He rarely apologizes, unless his partner demands that he do so.

So, which column do you commonly relate to? Which guy has the healthiest and most satisfying relationship with his partner? I used to be the emotionally not so intelligent guy. I didn't even realize that what I was doing was so destructive. Thanks to the work I have done, I now show up differently. You can too.

How to Respond to Feedback

“Guys Showing Up”

Guys: How to respond when your partner shares feedback you don’t like hearing

Most people don’t like hearing feedback that we deem as negative. Men, in particular, not only don’t like hearing negative feedback, but are not skilled in responding to their partners in this situation.

Here is a fairly typical communication between partners.

Your partner gives you unsolicited feedback about something you did, or said, that she didn’t like.

A typical male response is to state that it was not his intention along with getting defensive. He may shift the blame and become resentful while pointing out his partner’s deficiencies. Finally, he may disappear in his cave for a few hours or days.

The result is that the issue never gets discussed or resolved and both parties are upset and resentful. Unhealthy!

So, what is the healthier way for men to deal with feedback they don’t like hearing?

1.    Be grateful that your partner is willing to provide you with feedback; even it is the kind you don’t like to hear.

2.    Don’t get defensive or angry

3.    Make sure you understand the feedback by asking clarifying questions so that she knows exactly what the issue is. Restate what you think the issue is to your partner so they know you understand.

4.    Listen with empathy and compassion.

5.    In most situations, you have a part in the issue. What part of the feedback can you legitimately own? Whatever it is, own up to it! It is the adult thing to do and is very challenging.

6.    Apologize for your part (see above)

7.    Don’t offer solutions!

Stuart

www.StuartKaufman.com

206-725-1584

Ask and You Will Receive!

In all areas of our lives, when we have the courage to ask for what we want. we frequently receive what we want. When we don't ask, we typically don't receive. It is a simple idea, but not always easy to implement. Most people don't ask for what they want, because they don't know what they want. If they do know what they want, they are afraid of rejection and hearing the word "no".

Here are some ways to get what you want:

1. Be clear about what you are asking for. It is hard to ask for something, when you don't know what you are asking for. The more specific your description, the better.
   
   
2. Make a written list of what you want.
   
   
3. Make sure the person you are asking, has your full attention and understands your request. There are many distractions in life, so make sure your request is heard and clearly understood.
   
   
4. Ask the person who is most likely able to give you with what you want. Find the person who is most likely to be able to fulfill your request.
   
   
5. Expect to get what you ask for. Have a positive expectation.
   
   
6. Ask more than once, if necessary. Persistence pays.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you ask for what you want. In terms of the GYSIG program, you are much more likely to get more referrals from your Sphere, when you ask for them. Think of one thing, right now, that you would like and who you would need to ask to get it. Make a point to ask that person today - don't delay!

The Value of Delegation!

Most of us have work that we currently do, that could be done more efficiently, effectively and at less cost, by others. The more work we delegate, the more time we will have to that work which only we can do.

So, why don't we delegate more work, more often? Here are a few common reasons:

• Nobody can do our work as well as we do it.
  
  
• We don't trust others.
  
  
• We don't know what work to delegate.
  
  
• We don't know how to effectively delegate work.
  
  
• We don’t know how to hold others accountable.

Here are some tips on how to effectively delegate:

• Identify work that you are currently doing, that could be done by others. This includes book keeping, transaction coordination, marketing activities, and administrative tasks.
  
  
• Identify competent and reliable people to delegate to. A person's positive attitude and dependability are much more important than their skills.
  
  
• Clearly describe verbally, and in writing, what work you want done and when you want it completed.
  
  
• Provide the information and tools necessary to complete the job.
  
  
• Trust the person to do good work. Have a positive expectation.
  
  
• Do not micro-manage. The person you delegate to will probably do the work differently than you. And, that is OK. It is the results, not the process, that you are looking for.
  
  
• Appreciate, recognize and reward the person for their efforts.

Start today by identifying work that you can delegate and finding a reliable and trusted person to whom you can delegate.

"To write with a broken pencil, is pointless"

Practice Makes Comfort and Consistency

Do you remember when you first were learning to ride a bike, or drive a car, or use a computer? At first, we were awkward, slow and fairly incompetent. The way we improved was to practice on a routine basis. As a result, we began to feel more comfortable, we were more consistent, and we began to improve. The more we practiced, the more consistent we became and the better we got. It is a fact of life! Yet, many of us feel if we can’t do something perfectly the first time, then we are failures. Here are some guidelines to developing greater comfort and consistency in any venture we choose to undertake or skill we want to gain.

• Find someone who is already doing what you want to do and ask them to help you. This person is your Mentor.
  
  
• Set specific time aside on your calendar to learn and practice your new skill.
  
  
• Practice on a consistent basis (once a day) even if for a short period of time.
  
  
• Tell others what you are doing as an incentive to keep practicing.
  
  
• Demonstrate your new skill or competency to others.
  
  
• Enjoy the journey and the small progressive steps you are taking. Notice your progress and improved consistency.
  
  
• Be patient. Rome was not created in a day.
  
  
• Celebrate your small successes!

For example, as you practice using the Get Your Sphere In Gear® program, you will feel more comfortable and will be more consistent in staying personally connected to the people in your Sphere. Practice does help us be more comfortable and consistent!

First Things First!

How do we insure that we are doing the most important work each day?

The four “D” system is an easy way to prioritize your work so that you do First Things First. Implementing it helps ensure you are always doing the most important stuff first. The whole process takes less than 15 minutes. Here is how it works:

To begin with, make a list of all of the things you need to do.
Then assign one of the four “D”s to each task.

• The first “D” represents “Do it”. These are the things you want to accomplish during the next few weeks. After identifying these tasks, prioritize them so that you start with the most important task first.
  
  
• The second “D” represents “Delay it”. These are things that you want to do, but can delay until later. Schedule them in your PDA so they are not forgotten.
  
  
• The third “D” represents “Delegate it”. These are activities and tasks that you can get someone else to do. Identify who you are going to delegate the work to and provide specific directions, without micromanaging.
  
  
• Finally, the last “D” stands for “Delete it”. This is stuff you don’t really need to do. Cross them off your list.

By following this system, you will always be focused on your highest priority work so that you move your business and life in the direction you want to be going.

Create a Routine - Create Balance and Success!

One of the most successful habits you can create is developing a flexible daily routine. Routines help ensure that we consistently get the most important work done each day, each week, each month and each year. Daily routines are easy to create, but challenging to follow. The three components of a successful routine are:

• Activities you do for yourself
  
• Activities you do for your business
• Activities you do for your family

Here are some simple guidelines of what to include in your daily routine.

• Start the day with Exercise. You will feel energized and your mind will be sharper as a result. Most people are more successful getting their exercise in before their work day starts.
  
  
• Read a short prayer or meditation to express your gratitude for all the good things you have in your life.
  
  
• Eat a healthy breakfast so you have energy to get through the morning.
  
  
• Call at least three people in your Sphere of Influence to stay connected. Do this before you open your e-mail.
  
  
• During the day, focus on the single most important work that will most positively impact your business.
  
  
• At the end of the day, spend 10 minutes planning for the next day.
  
  
• Have dinner with your family each night.
  
  
• Spend at least one hour with your spouse, partner or a friend.
  
  
• Go to bed at a reasonable hour so you feel refreshed in the morning.

Most people spend each day 'hoping' they get the important work done, often times neglecting themselves or their families.

Remember that this is a “flexible” routine, so when special situations arise, be flexible.

You will create balance in your life by consistently implementing a routine that helps you be physically, emotionally and financially successful!

Create Your Vision - Create Your Life

A vision inspires us to accomplish what we are most passionate and committed to achieve. It helps us stay focused on our priorities and decide how best to use our most precious resource - time.

Here is my vision: 'I inspire people to discover their courage so that they lead healthy and wealthy lives'. This statement helps me focus on how I can live a 'courageous' life while helping others do the same. It means trying new ideas and activities that expand my comfort zone to insure that I grow as an individual, as a father, as a husband, as a friend, and as a Coach.

The following 5-step process is a simple and straightforward formula for creating your Vision. Your Vision will create excitement and positive energy for you and others who read and experience it.

• Start with the word 'I' - Your Vision is all about 'you', so we start with the word 'I'.
  
  
• Action Word - what do we do for others - words of action like discover, help, motivate, support, teach, direct, coach, provide.
  
  
• Who, or What, do I direct the action toward - who is your action directed to? Examples include people, athletes, young adults, animals, people with special needs, artists, etc.
  
  
• The Outcome or the result of the action - this is the result of the action. In my example, 'to discover their courage'.
  
  
• The Benefit of the outcome - this is the benefit of the action. It answers the question: What's in it for me? The benefit is preceded by the words 'so that'.

Most people do not have a Vision because they simply have not taken the time (usually one-hour) to create one. Is it worth one-hour of your time to think about, gain clarity, and create your vision to help guide your future? What other priorities are more important? If you want some help and guidance in creating your Vision statement, drop me an e-mail at coach@stuartkaufman.com.

Take Note on How to be Memorable!

An easy and effective way to be more memorable is to write handwritten notes to your clients and prospective clients. Think of how many handwritten notes you receive. Probably not very many. And, what do we do when we actually receive a handwritten note? We usually keep it for a few days or even a few weeks. Handwritten notes separate and distinguish us from all of our competitors. Write notes as a follow-up to phone calls and meetings, or just to stay connected with people in your Sphere of Influence. Notes need only include three sentences. Here are the three sentences along with some examples:

1. Acknowledge and thank - ‘It was a pleasure talking (or meeting) with you today.’ OR ‘Thanks for taking time to meet with me today.’
   
   
2. Personal reference - ‘I am glad to hear that you had a great time in Los Angeles.’ OR ‘I am glad to hear that you are really happy with your new home’.
   
   
3. Offer to be of assistance - ‘If I can every help you, or someone you know, with any Real Estate need, please let me know.’ OR ‘I am always happy to help you, or someone you know, with any of your Real Estate Needs'.

Other important stuff:

• Always include a business card

• Have note cards, stamps and return address labels readily available

• You cannot write too many handwritten notes!

How to Act in Spite of Fear!

Most of us allow our fears to limit what we achieve in our lives. Most of what we fear never happens, yet we allow it to profoundly affect us. To act in spite of our fear, we need to identify what we are actually afraid of, and the expected positive outcomes of moving forward.

• What things are you afraid of doing? Begin by identifying the activities and things you would like (in your life and business) that are not happening due to fear. Complete this sentence: I would like to do (or achieve)_________, but I am afraid of what might happen. Make a list.
  
  
• Identify the specific fear that is holding you back. Now clearly identify what you are actually afraid of. For example, the first time I swam across the Columbia River, I was terrified and fearful. I thought about all the things that could happen to me (a shark attack - even though there are no sharks in the river).
  
  
• Identify the worst and best potential outcomes of doing what you are afraid of doing. In the above example, the worst thing that could happen is that I could drown - even though I was wearing a buoyant wetsuit which would of prevented that. The best thing that could happen is that I would become comfortable with swimming in a large body of water and actually enjoy myself and finish the event (which is what happened). The upside outweighs the downside, which is usually the case.
  
  
• Eliminate disempowering and limiting language. Many of my clients unknowingly disempower themselves by using negative words that weaken their motivation. These words include: hope, maybe, perhaps, and should. Become aware when you use these words. By eliminating these words from your vocabulary, you will feel more empowered and confident.
  
  
• Act in Spite of Fear. The difference between successful people and less successful people is that the successful people feel the fear and move forward anyway. So, begin to do those things that are fearful - and you will quickly realize that you can act in spite of fear. Remember that fear really stands for False Expectations Appearing Real.
  

How to be Proactive!

Being proactive is one of the defining characteristics of successful Real Estate agents. When you initiate a call or meeting with someone in your Sphere, you are taking control of your business and being proactive. Proactive people create their own success, instead of waiting for others to call them.

1. Take 100% responsibility for your success! Your success depends only upon you and the initiative you take. You are the person responsible for the quality of the life you live. Be responsible and be proactive!

2. Create a written plan that is clear and motivating. When we write down what we want to achieve, we are creating a vision of what we most want to accomplish. And, we are much more likely to actually implement our plan!

3. Take small actions each day. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you Get Your Sphere in Gear? One phone call at a time!

4. Publicize your plans. Let others know what you are passionate about. It creates enthusiasm and accountability.

5. Visibly display your plans and goals. Before I rode my bike around Mt. Rainier (153 miles) in one day, I put up a big map of Mt. Rainier so I could visualize and internalize the route I would be riding.

By following these 5 tips, you will be more Proactive and will be taking responsibility for your own personal and business success!

5 Really Helpful Tips to Eliminate Distractions

To effectively Get You and Your Sphere in Gear, you need to personally connect with past clients and the people in your Sphere. Unfortunately, we allow distractions to get in our way of doing this important work. Here are 5 tips to help you Get You and your Sphere in Gear to create more business and referrals.

1. Close your e-mail program and turn off the automated alarms that notify (and distract) you when a new e-mail arrives
   
   
2. Create a routine for yourself by setting aside 30-45 minutes each day to consistently call and connect with your past clients and Sphere.
   
   
3. Treat the time you schedule for calling/connecting with your Sphere with the same high priority as you would if you were spending it with an important client. Allow no interruptions!
   
   
4. Completely clear off your desk, except for documents related to calling/connecting with your Sphere.
   
   
5. At the beginning of each week, create a written PLAN of who you will contact each day. Nobody plans to fail, but many fail to plan.

By following these 5 tips, you will connect more consistently with your Sphere and as a result, they will think of you FIRST when they have a need for your services.

Believe in Yourself and Believe in Your Sphere

How strongly do you believe that staying personally connected to your Sphere of Influence (those people who know, like and trust you) will make a significant difference in your business?

To affirm your belief, say these statements aloud:

1. I believe that personally connecting with people in my Sphere of Influence is the single most important activity to grow my business.
2. I believe that when I call and personally connect with past clients and other people in my Sphere, I get more business and referrals from them.
3. I deserve to be the #1 agent that people in my Sphere think of when they, or someone they know, need my services.
4. Getting my Sphere in Gear will help me achieve more referrals and business from my Sphere of Influence. It will help me create systems and consistency that lead to a balanced life so I can spend more time with my friends and family.
5. I deserve to have a consistent flow of business, and referrals, from the people in my Sphere!

If you believe in yourself and you believe these statements are true, then take action today and do something about it! The easiest way to proceed is simply to pick up the phone and begin calling your past clients. They will be happy to hear from you.

Stuart Kaufman, MS, MBA, is a Real Estate Educator and Business Coach who has coached, trained, and inspired over 1,800 Independent Sales Professionals to “get their businesses and lives in gear.” He is the head administrator of the Puget Sound School of Real Estate in Seattle, WA. For a complimentary copy of “How to overcome the Fear of calling your Sphere”, go to www.GetYourSphereInGear.com.